We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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