I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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