Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
