I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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