Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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