My liver just broke up with me...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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