Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
