I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
