So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
