if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
ttyl tear gas
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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