I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
