I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
