in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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