Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
