I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
