so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
