New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
