i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
