she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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