You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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