Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
