There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
