The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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