yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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