Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
