I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
