Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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