she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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