I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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