the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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