Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
