i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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