Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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