Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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