I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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