Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
