listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
