After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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