taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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