I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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