someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
