i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
