So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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