call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
