eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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