are you still at the devil's house?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
