The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
