god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
