you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
