I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
