God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
